Just a Nibble
by an alcoholic
Summary: Smutty (or not) drabbles, flash fiction, and ficlets. Many pairings/characters.
1. Intrusive Thoughts

Notes: NaruHina. Intrusive thoughts.

* * *

Hinata wondered what Naruto's orgasm face looked like.

This was in the middle of dinner at the Hyuuga household, where no one talked, ever. Where no one had thoughts in their heads at all. So it wasn't surprising for her father to give her a look when her face lit up like the red end of a cigar. She met his eyes slowly, grimacing.

"Is something the matter, Hinata?"

"No, Father..."

After dinner, Hanabi glared at Hinata.

"What?" she said, a little annoyed.

"You shouldn't have dirty thoughts at the dinner table."

Hinata's face burned to the third degree.


	2. Bad Ideas

Notes: Asuma/Temari. He had no idea...

* * *

Sarutobi Asuma was never too outgoing or flirtatious, but he knew them when he saw them and he couldn't pass this opportunity up.

With some sleight of hand, he was able to talk his way into her pants (he had never been much of a smooth operator, but he was drunk, so hey). The night, as he remembered, was a flurry of sticky yellow hair, lots of gritty words, and girl-on-top. He could still feel her smooth peachy skin on the tips of his fingers the next morning as they itched for a cigarette and coffee. He didn't know where she'd run off to and found himself wondering idly as he walked the way to the day's matches with Kurenai.

He was biting hard on the end of his cigarette as he recognized the sticky yellow hair and gritty words battling his student.

_For god's sake_, he thought.


	3. Ashes to Ashes

Notes: Edo!Itachi & Sakura.

* * *

Sakura would admit, she was a_ little bit_ curious about what all the Edo Tensei entailed.

Did their bits all function? What did their skins feel like? Could they have those types of sensations? She thought this all about Sasuke-kun's resurrected brother on their way back to the Leaf village. Could she take some blood samples? Did Itachi even care about those things in the first place?

"Itachi-san," she said gravely as they made their way to the edge of the forest. "Do you..."

A bit of him flaked off and floated its way to her hair. Her mouth went dry.

"Uh, nevermind," she said, lunging toward the village gate.


	4. Bath

Notes: JuuKarin, through the eyes of Suigetsu.

* * *

It was weird when Suigetsu went out to the convenience store and came back, because the kitchen was completely trashed and the wallpaper a little torn up and a few dishes broken all over the floor. This was the kind of destruction he expected Karin and him to cause, but he couldn't think of her and Juugo ever fighting so intensely.

He scowled as anxiety swelled within him.

"Karin? Juugo?" he said cautiously, entering the bathroom where there was strange noises. The shower was on and there was some kind of groaning. _Oh no, he's killed Karin_, Suigetsu caught himself thinking. He immediately corrected the thought to _Hooray, he's finally killed Karin._

But they were teammates, and as such, he would find it within himself to care. Not even bothering to knock, he opened the door, expecting at least a trail of blood or something.

He dropped his canteen.

The two were in the bathtub together, Karin settled between Juugo's knees, both lathered in soap. Karin's throat revved up like an engine as she yelled. "_Suigetsu_... !"

He fled the scene as a shampoo bottle went cartwheeling through the air, missing his head. He missed Juugo's placid expression as Karin settled back to have her hair washed.

It still didn't explain the mess.


	5. Tomato

Notes: Ita/fem!Sasu, non-massacre AU.

* * *

"_Nii-san_..." Sasuke said weakly.

Itachi ignored her as he zipped open her green vest, and unbuttoned her high-collared shirt. Gingerly he squeezed a half-cut tomato until watery red rivulets streaked Sasuke's pale skin like veins. She shivered as the cold and the wet went down her bra, and grit her teeth as Itachi's tongue began tracing the sticky trail the tomato left. He slipped the straps down her shoulders and worked it off; the drops slid down her stomach. She bit her lip hard when Itachi's tongue curled around her nipple, his thumb shortly following.

She would not give him the satisfaction of her moans.

Especially when their parents were in the room next over.


	6. Kiss & Tell

Notes: Kaka/fem!Sasu/Saku. Light yuri.

* * *

Kakashi is not one to kiss and tell. Especially when the kissing was with two people he shouldn't even think about like that in the first place, and the telling would be to Gai, who had an inordinate interest in Kakashi's personal affairs.

He would keep his lips tight about the way Sasuke and Sakura had licked and sucked every square inch of his skin, how they'd peeled down his mask and kissed him there. How Sasuke worked him quietly but skillfully, but Sakura stared him down with such intensity he though he'd die simply from that.

He wouldn't say to Gai about how one rode his face and the other rode his cock. How they'd kissed with heat, and almost completely ignored him as they mouthed slick trails over each other's necks and breasts.

He would stare hard at this menu as Gai blathered on about god knows what and try not to get an erection.


	7. Rain

Notes: Shisui/fem!Ita. Was originally meant to be a Kisa/ita, but oh well.

* * *

Itachi liked the rain, but not for the reasons Kisame imagined.

Somewhere before defecting, she'd been an avid reader and something that graced the shelves of any good Leaf-nin's bookshelf was Jiraiya-sama's Icha Icha series. Of course, the only two to know her tastes were her mother and Shisui.

Her mother, because she'd cleaned under Itachi's bed and left her a note saying to hide them a little better next time.

Shisui, because she'd asked him to act out a particularly striking scene with him. For all his guts and glory, Shisui crumpled in the face of perversity. "Why are you so shy," she said flatly, not even a question. Shisui flustered further. The rain beating down on the shrine's awning made a drum in her ears as she stared at her cousin—curiously she ran a finger over his jaw, staring up into his eyes. He stiffened, looking highly uncomfortable.

"What is it?" she asked softly.

"Girls shouldn't read things like that!" he blurted out. "You should be more... modest... or something," he scratched the back of his neck, distressed.

"Is that so." Silence filled the space between them.

"You know," Shisui said eventually, "Jiraiya-sama's books aren't so bad... if you are using them for research."

"Of course," she lied.

Shisui pulled his hood over his head and held out a hand. "Well? Shall we go?"

Itachi laced her fingers with his, perhaps a little too intimately, and smiled softly as they descended the steps, Shisui's face as red as a beet.


	8. Acid Breath

Notes: KisaMei, during Kisame's tenure as a Mist-nin.

* * *

Kisame is fifteen when he experiences his first kiss.

It's with a girl he barely knows, who he's seen around before. Her name is Mei Terumi and she's a survivor of the clan purgings.

Her hair is rough and thick between his fingers, and his foggy mind seeks clarity when he looks into her eyes and sees the same feeling he's having mirrored, dark and intense. Unbelievable, he thinks. No one is attracted to blue-skinned shark freaks.

His mind melts at the flavor of her, and his hands roam her body clumsily. (She is no better.) Against his better judgment, he decides to spend the night with her. In the moment he wakes up to a hammering ache in his temples and a hot, foul breath blowing in to his nostrils. Wrinkling his nose, he realizes it's that bloodlimit and removes himself as quickly and painlessly as he can from her body.

Ten years later, when Kisame learns that same girl has become the Mizukage, he wonders if she ever found a cure for her halitosis.


	9. Waiting

Notes: NaruSaku. This one's kind of weird.

* * *

Rokudaime Hokage Uzumaki Naruto sits at his desk in the evenings staring out the window of his office, to look at his village.

There are children playing in the streets, the sun glowing red over them, a messy sprawl of houses and the other offices, the hospital. In the distance he can see his own mansion, the one he always dreamed of living in as a child, and now that it's his he's hesitant to go home.

He doesn't need the Sandaime's crystal ball to know his wife is sitting on their couch, reading a magazine on interior decorating. Her expression is most likely bored and sometimes she might glance at the clock wondering when he'll pop through the door.

He begins collecting his satchel and the files he must go over tonight. He had his assistant laminate really important things that must go home with him. He turns the office light off with a grimace and treks home, not without visiting with some residents first.

As soon as Naruto walks through the door and sheds his jacket, his wife is upon him like flies on shit. Softly she binds her hitae-ate around his eyes and leads him to the kitchen. Her kisses are soft and tender, and her breath warm against his flushed face as she ties each of his hands to the back of the chair. He makes a small groan in the back of his throat. _A night like any other_.

He never imagined his sweet Sakura-chan doing this when they were in the academy. He never imagined he would like it so much.


	10. Wake Up Call

Notes: Jira/fem!Naru.

* * *

Jiraiya woke to someone sucking on his neck.

The silky tendrils of blonde hair sliding around his chest, damp with sweat, he ran through his fingers lightly. She made her way to where his neck and collarbone met, giving special attention to where his pulse beat under her lips. Jiraiya's shallow breathing was her only clue that he was awake and enjoying. Her eyes met his as she wiggled her bottom teasingly on his erection.

He groaned.

And then she did something that made a fifty-year-old man's face flush like a schoolboy's: Not breaking eye contact, she placed her warm mouth on a nipple, laving it with her tongue and savoring the salty flavor of him. He squirmed wildly, biting his lip and letting his eyes roll heavenward.

_Forgive me, Minato, but your child is a rare talent. She benefits well from my instruction._


	11. Scorpion's Kiss

Notes: fem!flesh!Sasori/Kankuro. AU.

* * *

Akasuna no Sasori had dead, red eyes and the lashes of a camel.

She was an impatient instructor; but this didn't faze young Kankuro, who'd grown up the son of a Kazekage. Sometimes he wondered if that's why she was so impatient with him, because her teammate—his father—had won the Third's favor rather than herself. It didn't seem like it at the end of the day, though, when she patted a spot next to her on the village's high clay wall and they watched the sun set over the dunes.

She teased him for wearing makeup; it was Kabuki paint, he insisted. Her high collar hid her smile as they walked through the market together, to the apothecary. Kankuro wasn't all that interested in poisons. He thought that was a woman's thing, their subterfuge. He mistakenly voiced this thought and Akasuna no Sasori's red dead eyes ran over him mildly.

"Come here, Kankuro," she instructed after they left the apothecary. "I want to teach you something."

He approached her warily, his shoulders fraught with tension as she pushed his back to the crumbling beige bricks of the Kazekage's tower. She stood on her tiptoes and Kankuro drank in her sleepy, doe-eyed expression before she very gently pressed her lips to his. His face flamed, and she was gone before he could even register what happened.

That night he regretted ever saying anything, his body unwillingly feverish with desire from the scorpion's kiss. From whatever she'd purchased at the apothecary.


	12. Curiosity

Notes: fem!Sasuke/fem!Gaara AU where the Uchiha clan moved to Suna instead of doing a coup and they end up becoming friends, as requested by Anon.

* * *

**I.**

"It is a pleasure to have you," the Yondaime Kazekage greeted the Uchiha clan at their temporary settlement, just outside Suna's walls. He was flanked by two sullen-looking children, a girl and a boy. He grabbed each of their shoulders and forced them forward. "These are my children, Temari and Kankuro. You need only ask and they will guide you."

The lot of Uchiha clanspeople appeared tired and dragged down; they'd been pursued by the Leaf's ANBU all the way to the border of the Wind country, and escaped with minimal casualties. The Kazekage had met them at the edge that very morning and assured the ANBU of the Uchiha's new allegiance and they would be under his protection from now on. Should they not want to incur his wrath they'd best head home.

There was talk of a war; broken treaties and alliances, unsurprising.

A small group of Uchiha children sat cooling themselves in the shade of a tent. The Kazekage was about to greet them, until a shrill cry that sounded more beast than human sounded from the east, and a high wave of sand came crashing just past the camp, three bodies washing up after.

A mother clutched her child closer. "What in heaven's name was that?" she whispered frantically to the Kazekage.

"That," he said grimly, his lips pursed, "is my other child."

* * *

**II.**

Sasuke wore the Sand's emblem now, and wore it proudly.

On assignment, she stalked down an alleyway after a brown and black snake that slithered past garbage cans and through a set of concrete blocks. Her eyes trained on its beady eyes as she came before it, and pinned it down with a few senbon. The snake hissed and began transforming, taking the shape of a man.

Sasuke slapped an exploding tag on him and ran, forming the hand seals as she reached a safe distance. The man burst into a tangle of snakes, which separated as quickly as it had joined. Cursing, she reached for more kunai until the dispersed snakes were coated with sand. They wriggled beneath the surface and were pushed down by an unseen force.

From the middle of the square, distorted by heat, was the blur of the Kazekage's daughter Gaara. Sasuke frowned in to the distance, watching as a man materialized on the ground before the girl.

There came the familiar scream as a sand tomb encapsulated the enemy-nin.

Gaara neared, an eddy of sand swirling at her feet. Sasuke wasn't sure whether to be resentful or grateful for the intervention.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

Gaara looked over her shoulder, green eyes indecipherable. A tendril of sand brushed her cheek.

Sasuke lay awake in bed that night, utterly confused.

* * *

**III.**

It was no secret Sasuke's father was displeased by her lack of Sharingan.

"Don't you have feelings?" her father inquired dryly of her one afternoon.

She _did_—of course she had feelings. She felt the bitterness as Itachi was praised for his skills. She felt the sting of envy from the rest of the village, which viewed the Uchiha clan as the Kazekage's pets. She felt the most absurd confusion each time she encountered said Kazekage's younger daughter.

It was one night on her way home from a mission, in the darkness, when she felt a familiar pull of sand on her cheek. Intrigued rather than alarmed, she scaled the clay wall and sat, one leg dangling. "Is that who I think it is?" she called.

It was a moment before Gaara appeared before her, crouching.

"So it is," Sasuke said quietly, looking out over the dunes, blue and white in the moonlight. They shared a comfortable silence, Gaara settling and detaching her gourd of sand. It was an odd thing, she felt no confusion in this moment, only sleepiness and curiosity. She shuffled through the fat deck of things she wanted to ask.

"Why do you watch me so much?" she asked after a moment.

Gaara shrugged. "You interest me."

_The formerly violent, bloodlusting jinchuuriki likes me_, Sasuke thought. It put her in a strange mood for the rest of the week, and this time it was Sasuke waiting at the gate for her, being a little less mysterious than her new friend. This time, they talked.

* * *

**IV.**

About the time Sasuke was eighteen, her father began bringing up the idea of an arranged marriage.

"It's not so bad," he said, "it's what your mother and I did."

He wasn't exactly forcing it on her, but at the same time, he wasn't exactly presenting any other options. Like staying single or waiting or even asking if she was spoken for (which she was).

"I–I've... got a lover already," she informed him uncomfortably, crossing her arms and staring out the window. Her face was the color of a brick.

"Well, you only needed to say," he father scoffed. "Who is he?"

"About that, Father..." she said.

Lucky for Sasuke, Gaara didn't sleep. She popped in the window, the curtains billowing in her face. Gaara was curled on the bed, faced away from the window. "What did he say?" Her voice was hoarse from disuse.

She sighed. "Absolutely nothing."

"Hm."

"He'll get over it, I've already told Mother and Itachi. If anyone can make him see reason it's them," she assured, spooning up behind Gaara. "It's actually what I expected," she murmured. Gaara's soft shoulder felt nice against her cheek.

"Have you told your family?" Sasuke asked curiously.

There was no response.

"You'll have to tell them eventually."

"I know," she said almost irritably, "but for now, let's sleep."

And they did. Or at least Sasuke did and Gaara stared at the wall, growing drowsy from Sasuke's body heat.

* * *

Notes again: That was a really imaginative prompt, anon. I hope I did it justice.


	13. Living Daylights

Notes: ItaHina, nonmassacre.

* * *

"Come here," was Itachi's only greeting when she sneaked into his apartment that afternoon. She'd been hoping he was asleep.

Dread filled her as she hung her jacket over the back of the couch, and went to his bedroom, where his voice came from. Unsurprisingly, he was naked. That's how he slept, after all.

But she had not anticipated him sitting at the edge of his bed, stroking his very hard, very veiny cock. Hinata withered at the sight and backpedaled until, she was in the tiny hall between his bed and bath.

"I-Itachi-san, what are you doing? It's the middle of the day."

"We talked about this," his voice betrayed no emotion, "I was simply waiting on your arrival. If you are uncomfortable, we can try again later this week. Remember, you made a promise."

_I made that promise when you were pounding my brains out_, she thought irritably. "Well... then it's a lucky thing neither of us missions today, huh." She removed her shoes and socks while trying to ignore him jerking it.

"I have been looking forward to this very much," he said. She mistakenly looked in his eyes and saw the hunger there; Itachi's eyes usually had very little affectation. She flushed.

"I'm sure it will be nice..." she said doubtfully.

They'd only made love in the dark before.

Swallowing, she pulled her clothes off, self-conscious of whether or not she should be doing it sexily, or at least a little more eagerly. But in the end, she thought it probably didn't matter anyway; Itachi was clearly aroused and she was going to end up doing the same thing anyway.

She sat with him and he immediately guided her hands to his arousal; it was peculiar to actually see it. She was well acquainted with it, just not how it looked. Itachi lay back and close his eyes, opening them narrowly when Hinata replaced her hand with her mouth.

His fingers tangled in her hair and tightened. She admired how his abdomen flexed once, twice. Maybe this daytime thing wasn't so horrible after all.

That was, until he abruptly dragged her up on the bed, and positioned them so he leaned against the pillows and she was facing his feet. His erection bobbed next to her cheek.

"I want to see you" was his only explanation.

Hesitantly she returned to working him, kind of enjoying the minimalistic but very Itachi-like responses coaxed from him. His hard belly slid against hers, and damn if she wasn't feeling the effects. The lack of eye contact was also strangely empowering; she didn't feel the intensity of his Uchiha eyes on her.

But she should be expecting the unexpected: it was no sooner that she was enjoying herself and warming up to daytime sex, than she felt a mouth on her own sex.

"Oh. Oh. Itachi-san... Please..." the rest was gibberish.

"Don't stop," he said, his voice throaty. "Don't stop until I come."

She quivered fiercely but returned to Itachi, distractedly taking him to her mouth as the soft kisses evolved to licking, and sucking. Hinata thought she would die.

He lifted her hips so he could reach her clit, slowly, tortuously circling his tongue around it and eventually suckling on it, hard.

She increased her pace on his cock; they were both close. It was just another moment before his seed came in bursts, on her hair, her face, on himself. Hinata tensed up abruptly as he delivered one last suck; crying out and squeezing his thighs painfully hard.

The two then collapsed and Itachi rolled weakly to his side, he spooned up against Hinata, ready to say something when he heard a light snore. The corner of his mouth twitched at the sight of his girlfriend snoring, sticky and glistening in the sunlight pouring through the window.


	14. Restraint

Notes: Oro/fem!Sasu, as requested by anon. I know in the anime/manga Orochimaru and Kabuto call Sasuke, Sasuke-kun. I wasn't sure if I should use -chan or -kun, so I just didn't use any suffixes at all. Hope it's ok.

* * *

Kabuto called them appointments.

"It's time for your appointment with Orochimaru-sama," he called outside her door in that smarmy way of his.

She emerged, and Kabuto was already walking away. She could see his smirk when he glanced over his shoulder, barely illuminated by the torchlight. "Best not to keep him waiting."

Every hall and doorframe in this labyrinth of a hideout, or whatever you wanted to call it, looked exactly the same. It was a tiresome task just to get to Orochimaru's end of the place; at first she'd felt like a mouse in a maze. Now though... she knew precisely where to go. Kabuto was an unnecessary feature in this scheme. Once they reached their master's chambers, Kabuto gave a light wave.

"Have a nice time," he smiled, disappearing in to the dark.

Not thanking him or saying anything at all, Sasuke pulled open the heavy wooden door without knocking—Orochimaru disliked being interrupted or otherwise treated without the utmost decor, and Sasuke always made certain to disregard that.

Orochimaru was in the middle of removing his robes. He didn't like to waste time. "Did you sleep well?" he asked mildly as he folded his clothes.

She unzipped her shirt with a pointed loudness, frowning at nothing in particular. The rest followed in a sloppy heap in the corner, topped with her sandals. She plunked down on the bed, swinging her legs after her, and spread herself out in the shape of an X. Staring at the ceiling, her eyes slid to the foot of the bed—he was on his knees between her legs. Predictably, he was hard.

She closed her eyes when she could feel his hot breath on her face. He was probably smiling. "Are we in one of those moods today?" he laughed, low.

"Get on with it," she grunted.

He laughed again. It wasn't long before he was sucking on her neck.

The first couple times they did this, she tried imagining other people—Kakashi, Naruto, Shikamaru, once even _Kabuto_. Very simply, it did not work, because Orochimaru would not let you escape. She could feel his hot, demanding mouth on every square inch of her skin. His tongue was very well acquainted with the contours of her body, inside and out, and it was impossible, simply _impossible_, to envision or hope or escape from this reality: that she was getting fucked almost daily by Orochimaru, international criminal and one of the Sannin, and if she wasn't now, she would certainly be pregnant very soon.

He teased the tips of her breasts with his tongue, leaving them shiny, sticky and wet. He smirked as he worked his way to her navel, pushing in the tip of his tongue and delighting as her stomach tensed in response. Her hands fisted in his sleek black hair, and she pulled, hard enough for him to raise his brows. With a chuckle, he slid his fingers along her labia, teasingly, and rubbed his thumb against her clit.

She almost drew blood biting back a moan.

He held up two fingers, slick with her juices. "I'm glad we're on the same wavelength."

"Hurry up," she ground out.

When he tried to place them in her mouth, she initally resisted, but he pressed harder, and forced her to taste herself. It was hard not to make any noises when he leaned over to kiss her shortly thereafter, bruising, almost choking her with the length of his tongue. He didn't break them apart when he ran his erection against her sex, and ground hard, the prickle of his balls against her and the friction making the heat in her belly intensify. Her eyes teared up with the effort of restraint.

Orochimaru angled himself so he hovered above her face—he once told her he liked the look of her face while he fucker her. He entered, and as if on autopilot, she locked herself around him—legs over his shoulders, arms squeezing around his ribs. It was hard and fast, deep — his cock didn't seem that big on the outside, but like most of his body, it too could be stretched. She felt him deep in her womb; it was almost painful, but at the same time, all she could think about was how full she felt, and how she wanted to feel those hots spurts of come. Exhaling loudly through her nostrils, she gave in to orgasm, and he was soon to follow, slowing down his thrusts and giving her the occasional slam of his hips. Only a little dribbled from between them, as he removed himself, and began cleaning up.

"I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did," he said lightly, tugging on the sleeves of his robe.

Scowling, she sat up, flushed, and rubbed away the saliva he'd left on her cheek.

Once she'd re-dressed and refreshed, she left immediately, and as expected, Kabuto was outside waiting.

"Don't worry, I don't listen, if that's what you're thinking," he said as a greeting as they walked back to her room, at the look she had give him upon seeing him.

"I'm sure," she said, slamming the door.

Kabuto walked away, hands in his pockets and a smile on his face.


	15. Bunny Hop

Notes: Naruto and Sasuke as Kaguya's mindless sex slaves as requested by anon. Noncon/dubcon, manga spoilers & on the very cracky side.

* * *

Many, many moons ago, the princess Kaguya Otsutsuki had eaten a magical fruit, and become supernaturally, frighteningly powerful. As a consequence, men sort of find this a turn-off. Some (godfearing subjects) might cite her horns and forehead Rinnegan as exotic, but above all else, it was the attitude that made prospective suitors' dicks wilt at the thought of becoming her plaything—like a cat using an insect for entertainment—and eventually disposed of.

Her loving parents courted the idea of marrying her off to an unknowing kingdom across the ocean, in the middle of the night, drugged and in a crate with breathing holes, reinforced with a heavy chain and an iron mask, and if she fell into the ocean, certainly a tragic loss. But Kaguya, well into adulthood and certainly capable of making her own decisions, politely disagreed with her parents and insisted an early retirement in the underparts of the castle, where they would be the forerunners of popsicle-stick jokes and macaroni-and-paper-plate arts that would be a recreational force, along with dog grooming and weightlifting, in correctional facilties around the world.

No man immediately caught Kaguya's eyes—her Byakugan would see a slight imperfection in his chakra plumbing, and if she did find such a man with a superb architecture, he more often than not regarded her Rinnegan with the same visible disdain and unnatural fixation as one might with a mountainous pimple. It was a few years before she met a kind-hearted merchant milling about her court. He was fair-haired and with a surepptitious glance she got intimate with his undisturbed, virginal chakra network. The icing on top of the cake was the moment the veins bulging around her eyes dissipated and he exclaimed, "Wow! What a neat trick. I saw a guy out in..." Kaguya, who was not well-versed in human relations, mimicked the actions she'd seen of commoners—a bruising, jaw-unhinging kiss. Her first and last. The sweet merchant flushed and told her in a quiet voice, "I'm sorry, milady, I've been spoken for," and subsequently produced a clutch of wallet photos of his rosy-cheeked wife and chubby infants.

Unused to curbing her wrath, Princess Kaguya stiffened and reflexively formulated a plan—and despite her ghoulish demeanor as she bid the merchant a safe journey, he was oblivious. Off he went unknowingly to her chambers with a clever genjutsu she cast. She made to join him after powdering her nose.

After some gentle persuasion (another layer of genjutsu) and a few cups (or bottles) of rice wine, the merchant crumbled in the face of the beautiful, bestial princess. Nine months later twin boys were born and a new position was sweeping the continent-one called "the bunny hop." With a little imagination and a lot of luck, she had conceived two legacies in one day. Years later Hamura would disavow his children from anything but the missionary position.

In this present time, Kaguya, no longer a bundle of repressed chakra stuffed in the moon, and in the flesh (she privately patted herself down for assurance), was struck by the virility and handsomeness of the reincarnations of her grandsons (and truthfully, her own far-off descendants). They were panting heavily, soaking with sweat and half naked in their futile attempts to thwart her plans of eternal peace and love. Their teammates had been absorbed and wound up, dangling in their body casts from the tree. The only ones conscious right now were the three of them, and soon she decided, it would be just her. Utilizing that same, timeless date rape genjutsu she had eons ago, Kaguya was pleased to see its effects (glassy eyes, stiff limbs) on the boys.

The work was hers, though, as she flew through a series of hand seals, and made to see the double bunny hop come alive. (Unknown to her, the bunny hop had been perfected several centuries over by her many descendants, with each other and the double was only one, slightly dull, variation.)

The two acted like puppets on strings and walked to her clumsily. The blonde one was slightly smaller than dark one, in length and girth. She knew where to put him. With the Sharingan'd one pumping in from the front and the jinchuuriki in the back, the last double bunny hop commenced.

There was a pause in the proceedings, however, when both the boys' mouths began to secrete some foul-smelling, plasma-like drool she was unable to place at the moment, stuffed with the meat of her far-off scions and on the cusp of an earth-shattering orgasm she hadn't experienced in a thousand years. Much to her annoyance, the drool began to take shape. Familiar shapes. Two faces she would recognize anywhere, in a heartbeart.

"_Grandmother_?" came an indignant squawk leaking from the Sharingan'd one's mouth. As always was the censorious, imperious look of her grandson Indra.

"Sorry, I haven't baked any cookies for you," she said acidly, hiking up her kimono and extracting the manhoods currently plunged deep inside her. Heroic lectures tended to leave one high and dry; and she was already feeling the effects. Unsurprisingly, Asura's ghost gaped openly at her sweaty, earthly form.

"What in heaven's name were you doing?" Indra demanded, pulling himself free of the Sharingan'd one. Asura joined him hesitantly; he'd always been shy around the subject of sex. Indra was just sanctimonious, as were most of his offspring and their offspring.

"Spreading peace and love through-out the universe," said sweetly. She clasped her hands behind her back. The corner of her mouth twitched as she felt a bead of sweat roll down her brow and strands of hair stick to her forehead. Kaguya disliked appearing out of place, especially to potential opponents, no matter if they were her own grandsons.

"I suppose we could have picked a more... appropriate time to manifest," Asura said, scratching the back of his head, "but Father set an unlock at–"

"_Shut up_!" Indra snapped. His blood-red eyes raked over Kaguya with disgust. "We've been summoned to dispose of you, and seal you back from whence you came from. So no more... _atrocities_," his eyes roved over the incapacitated forms of his and Asura's reincarnations, "may be dealt by your hand. Now, it's sealing time for you, old woman, and I won't be suffering any arguments."

Kaguya stared at him for a moment before shrieking with laughter. "I should never have bought you that Pee-wee Sealing Kit. It was a waste of money, and now it's come to bite me in the ass. Very well... let's get this show on the road."

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke woke up to bright sunlight and piles and piles of bodies around them, stretching and groaning. Filled with exuberance, Naruto jumped, "We did it! We did it!"

Sasuke stared him down with a grimace. "Yes, but... Naruto?"

"Huh?"

"_Why are we naked_?"


	16. Wedding Proposal

Notes: HashiMada, wedding proposal on the battlefield drabble. Unabashedly OOC.

* * *

Obito began to sob when, after Madara crashed several burning-hot meteors into the allied forces, some dormant emotive connectivity switched in Madara's brain at the sight of his Senju-sama. The entire chain of events even had a soundtrack by '80s and '90s pop stars.

When Hashirama's instense gaze fell on Madara, everything went into slow-motion. ("Lady in Red by" Chris de Burgh). It had been so long since he'd seen that red armor, those blood-red peepers, and that twitching eyebrow, as if Madara was deep in emotional constipation.

The conflict on Madara's face increased when Hashirama approached him. "Madara... I've missed you so much... And these circumstances?" he looked at the ground, laughing bitterly, and his eyes slowly rose to meet Madara's. "To hell with them."

Hashirama had a look of determination.

He grabbed Madara, and held him close, their armor clunking together and Madara looking wildly disoriented. An sweaty, glistening dancing montage set to Eric Carmen's "Hungry Eyes" ensued. Then a midnight ceramics lesson set to "Unchained Melody." And finally, after that, a steamy, post-airdrop mission bedroom scene set to "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin.

They both pulled off their heavy armor, and made passionate love. Mid-coitus Hashirama noticed his face on Madara's chest and struggled to maintain his erection. "Madara... what is... er, that?" he pointed at Madara's pectoral uncertainly.

He looked suddenly very guilty, his ashy face growing red. "Well, you know how kids these days are getting tattoos of their lovers' names on them..."

Hashirama's eyes widened. "You didn't..."

"But I did!" he blurted, clasping Hashirama's hands in his own.

To this day no-one from the allied forces likes to talk about it, but Obito broods about it a lot in the afterlife, and laments his poor decision-making skills and his lack of research (or judgment). What followed was Hashirama dropping to one knee in the craggy, rocky DBZ wasteland. "Marry me," he said simply.

Madara's face flamed even more. "You incorrigible scoundrel."

"You are the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on," Hashirama said, honestly.

Madara giggled from behind his battle fan, which had cartoonishly materialized. "Oh you."

"Will you?"

"Of course, silly!" And the two embraced, Hashirama tracing a finger over the face on Madara's breast. He then leaned down to give it a heated kiss. Madara moaned loudly.

That was the image forever burned into Obito's immortal soul.


	17. Exclusive

Notes: Sasuke/Everyone, as requested by anon. I can't stop writing crack. (Note: this isn't RtN!Sasuke... just Sasuke.) It didn't out _quite _like you probably imagined it. Final pairing assures that.

* * *

Sakura was so excited almost as to be numb when she teasingly asked Sasuke for a date after sparring one night, and he accepted so casually she might have asked him if he wanted a stick of gum. She had to repeat the question as to be certain she'd heard right. "Yeah," he said coolly, and gave her a two-fingered wave over his back as he disappeared over the bridge.

Well, of course, everything went _perfectly_. They talked about Naruto, ninja techniques, the demilitarizing of the world—it was fantastic. Sakura couldn't wait to rub it in Ino's face. The cherry on top of the whole night was when Sasuke's goodnight kiss went a little further than she expected; his hands made a few good feels here and there. She swatted his hands away coyly, and blushed as he gave her the same cool reaction he did everytime he left now—his two-fingered wave.

One date turned into two, and then three. Six dates into it and Sakura finally gave in to her hormones. Sasuke made her a woman in his apartment one evening, set to some sultry saxophone music and votive candles (the saxophone player went home before anything serious went down, don't worry).

Sakura felt refreshed, refreshed and exclusive, exclusive and refreshed the next morning. She was his lady, and he was her man. The lack of body heat next her when she woke up didn't perturb her. (Sasuke was a highly valued shinobi, after all.)

But the itchy rash spreading between her thighs _did _perturb her.

"Um, Sasuke?" Sakura ventured after consulting one of the many medical textbooks in the Hokage's library. "Were you ever 'with' some before me?"

"Yes," he said casually, as he scarfed down his dinner.

"Recently?" she squeaked, her brow furrowed with panic.

He leaned back, ticking something off with his fingers. Several times. For ten minutes. "I'd say within the last few hours."

"Oh god." She couldn't speak. But her medic's instinct kicked in–if she knew where he'd been recently, maybe it would give her a clue about this rash. "Where was your last mission?"

"On the border of Rain country."

"And did you...?"

"Yeah, that Kankurou guy was on border patrol for Suna... he's fucking hot. But now I have this weird rash between my legs."Sakura's body went white as her ghost escaped through her mouth.

-x-

"You can't be serious... " Ino said. "It was probably just a bad attempt at humor, or something."

She and Sakura were currently staked out in the bushes outside Sasuke's home with binoculars. Sakura grimaced as her rash flared up; her cream was at the house.

"No, for real, he sat there for about ten minutes, thinking about it."

"He can't have though. He's like the essence of virginal purity..."

"Shut up! Here he comes!" Sakura snapped. The two fixed their binoculars intently on Sasuke... and the bowl-cut and green-ness of the person walking in step with him.

"No way," Ino hissed with laughter.

Sasuke made a bold grab for Rock Lee's ass. Lee blushed.

"No way," cried Sakura, tears streaming down her cheeks as the two disappeared in the house together.

-x-

Sakura was mysteriously unavailable to Sasuke when he went seeking her out; he eventually found her in the hospital, sorting through records with a mad gleam in her eye.

"Sakura?" he asked uncertainly.

"What?" she snapped, without looking up.

"I'm sorry if I offended you... I should have been more delicate about that," he frowned, trailing off. "But I can't help it. It's.. it's just how I am."

She stiffened at his sort-of apology, and squirmed uncomfortably. "Well, I ... I guess I can understand. I just was under the impression we were... _exclusive_."

"We never talked about it," he said reasonably.

"Well, do you want to?" she asked with a shred of hope in her voice. "Be exclusive, that is."

He stared her over a moment. Sakura's eyes grew large and shiny. "No."

He dodged a fat folder of x-rays on his way out. Two-fingered salute. "Well, thanks for ruining international relations with your penis!" she screamed. "Now the Kazekage's got to put cream on his genitals before he goes to bed like me!"

That's why she'd been digging through the records in the first place. To see if there was a better cure.

-x-

"OK, it's funny if Sasuke gives _you _an exotic, rare STD," Ino said, cracking her knuckles. "But _no one_ breaks Chouji's heart and lives to tell the tale."

Sakura's face clearly said 'what' as she ran after a stomping Ino down the street, killing intent coming off her in tangible waves. People in the streets cowered away from her. A few shops closed for the day.

"SASUKE!" Ino roared. "SASUKE, COME DOWN AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!"

A sad-looking Kakashi and Naruto came walking out of Sasuke's home. "Don't bother," Kakashi sighed.

"He's out on a mission," said Naruto glumly.

The two walked away and Ino and Sakura stared at each other.

"That bastard," Ino growled eventually, shaking her fist at his window.

As if on cue, Chouji came walking by munching on a bag of chips. "What was all that noise?" he asked, but his voice was tinged with a bit of sadness. Ino howled with rage.

"Geez, Ino, Chouji's a big boy, he'll get over it, like I did," Sakura assured her friend.

"_He was introduced to Chouji's parents! _How much more exclusive can you get!" she fired back. Sakura flinched, thinking of her own disappointment.

"I miss the way he stroked my hair after sex," Chouji mumbled, his lip quivering.

"I miss the way he used to lift my legs like so," she made the motion.

Chouji grinned. "Yeah, that was the best! You know, I tried that once on him..."

"Did you," Sakura said, the cogs in her head turning.

Ino was unable to speak when Chouji and Sakura disappeared into the sunset, blathering about Sasuke.


	18. A Family Affair

Notes: Minato/Kushina, NaruSaku & Memna (that guy from RtN)/Hinata at the same time, as requested by Olho07. AU.

* * *

Sakura thought Naruto's family seemed nice enough.

It was her first night there; everyone had dinner, and afterward they played some dumb board game. Sakura helped Naruto's mother and Hinata do the dishes while the boys took out the trash and washed up the table. All in all, a pleasant evening so far, but Sakura could scarcely wait to get up to Naruto's room and out of her clothes. She twitched with need as Naruto brushed past her, deliberately against her breasts, and it was lucky she'd didn't drop the plate she was holding.

They smirked at each other.

Finally, everything was all said and done. Naruto's weird brother Menma and his weird girlfriend Hinata were on the loveseat sucking face when they passed. Sakura stood at the foot of the stairs, impatiently. Naruto sat in the recliner next to them, seemingly more interested in them than what was on TV. "What are you doing?" she mouth, gesticulating wildly. "Come, come!" She waved.

She remained fuming on the bottom stair when Naruto's father (what a fox, for real!) and mother came in and tangled themselves together on the sofa. Typical middle-aged, still-in-love behavior, she guessed. To her absolute horror, and secondhand embarrassment, Naruto's mother sat on top of Minato, and proceeded to _grind into him_.

Naruto seemed particularly interested in this.

"What the actual fuck?" she hissed.

He waved for her to come out of her hiding place, patting his lap. She shrinked back, glaring. Was he serious? What kind of people were these?

"C'mon, Sakura-chan. Don't be shy," he said, giving her a lopsided grin.

Her eyes saying 'fuck you' and her posture extremely rigid, Sakura crossed the threshold and sat delicately on the edge of the recliner, and scowled when she felt Naruto's hands creep around her waist. "Are you retarded?" she hissed. "Right here?"

"Nobody's watchin'" he said, his voice husky and his eyes half-lidded.

"Just your immediate family, plus someone else," she said, struggling to resist his hot breath on her neck. She caved in when Naruto began suckling on her collarbones, making her bite her lip.

"God, I hate you sometimes," she whispered. He took the words out of her mouth with a searing kiss. He eventually positioned himself so he was on top, and she covered, at least half-conscious of her possible embarrassment.

She was able to get into for a while before Naruto's mother made an impossibly indecent sound. Her eyes flew open and fixed on her boyfriend's parents who had broken for breath. Sakura flushed when she made eye contact with Naruto's father—he's like the poster boy for those teachers that she'd crushes of in middle school. He maintained it even when kissing his wife, whose was thankfully faced away from Sakura. He had big, tan hands and the longest legs. She shivered when he licked his wife's ear, looking directly at her.

It was even weirder when Naruto's mother turned and smiled at her.

"Well, it's time to hit the hay," Kushina said abruptly, smiling like a cat, "You kids have a good time."

Naruto's weird brother did little to hide his obvious erection as he led his weird girlfriend upstairs after him.

Sakura grimaced as she followed Naruto, who was likely in a similar state. She didn't miss the light smile and after-stare of Naruto's father as they closed their bedroom door. She wondered if Naruto would grow up to look like him, so more.


	19. ReCon

Notes: Kiba/Karui for YungHime. As with many things, manga spoilers. I didn't especially like this one, and I'll probably write a better one sometime later.

* * *

Karui somehow found herself working in the Raikage's office after the war, after Mabui died and after Samui's turning it down (most likely because of Raikage-sama's appreciation for large racks and lack of decorum in voicing it). She worked as efficiently as possible. She, of course didn't have Mabui's technique, but was useful in her own ways.

For instance, she was useful in driving away unwanted company.

"Can I help you?" she asked sharply of the team of Konoha ninja that appeared one day, without any prior notice. That shit really annoyed her. "Did you have an appointment with Raikage-sama?"

A scruffy-looking guy with a large white dog gave her a _look_.

The other two, a girl with a Byakugan and a guy with dark glasses, at least had the decency to introduce themselves. "I am Aburame Shino, this is Hyuuga Hinata, and _that_," he said with a barely perciptible drawl of contempt, "is Inuzuka Kiba. We are here for a the ReConference, and we were told to check in with the Raikage's office upon arrival."

"Oh, well, it isn't necessary for you to see Raikage-sama," she said rifling through her drawer. "Please sign this."

They did, and the last guy–the scruffy guy–dropped the pen on the book after he signed. It rolled off the desk and he didn't even bother to pick up it. Clasping his hands over his head, he followed his teammates and his dog out the office.

_How rude_, she thought darkly.

-x-

Kiba was really, really fucking tired.

That didn't, however, didn't dispel the fact he'd voluntarily agreed to go to this ReConference (reconnaissance trade conference) in Kumo—where the sun was just a little bit too bright, and all the buildings were impossibly high, shaped like termite hills. He'd been living off coffee for the past few days.

Akamaru wasn't feeling much better. The mother of his puppies had died during the birth, and three of five pups thus far had died. And it wasn't exactly a breeding error on Kiba's part—he'd mistakenly encouraged Akamaru to find "love" outside of the Inuzuka clan's kennel, and Akamaru had been humping the shit out a little stray that come around for free meals. Tsume had lambasted Kiba ("He's still a dog, you can't forget that.") and felt bad. Even worse was that Akamaru maybe had developed an attachment to this stray (despite what his mother said, it was also a fact their dogs were not the average dog). He lay at the end of Kiba's hotel bed, staring out the window forlornly.

"Hey, bud, it'll be okay," he said lamely. "Hana'll take care of yer pups."

"Better than I would," he added, and sprawled on the mattress, until there was a knock on his door.

"Oh... right," he muttered. They were here for a reason, after all.

-x-

Karui stumbled from the booth drunk as all hell.

"Hey, hey, Omoi–will you carry me. . .?"

Silence.

"Omoi . . .?"

She squinted around the darkness, her head spinning. "Goddamnit," she moaned. She slapped the ground a few times between sprawling out over the square of grass between the booth and the pawn shop next to it.

Omoi had a low tolerance for her drunk antics. She lay for a few minutes, admiring the stars, and began to sniffle petulantly.

"Hey, aren't you the Raikage's assistant?" came a gruff voice. She sat up abruptly. It was the guy with the dog.

"What do you want?" she said stiffly.

"Yer friend Omoi, he was at the ReCon, he said you were out drinking, and that it'd be an awful shame if you got mugged or killed or something," he pulled at his hair, "so I offered to come get you, it was on the way."

"How do you know Omoi?" she said, squinting at him harshly.

"He was our guest host tonight..." he said, as it were painfully obvious.

She frowned. _Then who was following me all night... ? Sensei... ?_

"Well, anyway, it's best if you let Akamaru haul you back to your place."

He helped her to straddle the dog, and she flushed at how stupid she probably looked, drunk and riding a gigantic dog back to her apartment.

"Where to?" he said lazily, following them at a few paces.

"I — I don't remember," she said in a small voice.

"What?"

"Over there somewhere?" she waved a hand to the west, and shrugged.

Kiba sighed.

-x-

Karui woke up in a hotel room, in a nest of blankets and pillow on the floor.

Her first instinct was to scream when she saw the dog guy from yesterday.

Her second thought was to flee, which is what she ultimately did.

-x-

The Raikage had a _slightly _amused expression on his face when she finally showed up for work.

"What is it, Raikage-sama?" she grunted and dropped a massive stack of files on his desk.

"Darui told me about last night," he said, "about you and that Konoha ninja."

_So it was Darui_, she thought darkly. At least Omoi had the good graces to keep her extracurriculars a secret.

"What about it?"

"I always got the impression you didn't _like _Leaf ninja, and would never do something like that. Not in that capacity."

"Even if I did something—WHICH I DIDN'T—it's done of your business, Raikage-sama."

She stomped off blushing. _She _didn't even know if she'd done something. God.

-x-

On the way back to Konoha all Shino did was glare at him.

"What's got your panties in a bunch?" Kiba said finally.

"Nothing... it's just... I thought we were friends who shared everything."

"Share what?"

"Companions usually share the details of their conquests, do they not?" Shino said icily.

"That girl," he said flatly, "was not a conquest."

And Shino didn't put any arguments, but seemed to hold his doubts.

That drunk girl, though, she had been cute.


	20. I'll foot the bill this time, sensei

Note: Naruto gives up being a ninja. AU. Mildly dark. (It was either this or ramen chef.)

* * *

"So how it's going, Naruto?" asked Iruka-sensei. He still felt an obligation to check up with Naruto. He was like a little brother, or something.

"Good, good! Better than good actually, great," Naruto grinned as he wolfed down his sixth bowl of ramen. (Iruka was too eating freely because, for once in his life, Naruto had offered to pay.)

"I'm just so glad to see you've found a trade, and one that pays this good to boot!" Iruka exclaimed.

Naruto watched through squinted, smiling eyes as Iruka drained his broth.

_You better swallow every last drop!_ he thought. _That's how I paid for this, after all_.


	21. Formation B

Notes: Tsunade/Jiraiya/Orochimaru fluff, before all the bad stuff. Probably smuttier than what you were thinking, but hey.

Also, I'm gonna hold off on requests for a while. I'll finish the ones I have now, but I really have something else I want to work on. I'll take requests again after that.

* * *

Jiraiya would _not_ shut up.

"Formation B!" Tsunade cried.

Orochimaru roughly fisted one hand in the back of Jiraiya's hair while Tsunade crawled under the table and parted his thighs. They shared a look of utmost concentration. Jiraiya babbled incoherently when Orochimaru mashed his lips to his and nearly choked him with too much tongue. Tsunade wasn't much better, reaching in his trousers, and abusing his balls with her sloppy ministrations.

He swallowed a cry when he felt Tsunade's teeth graze the head of his penis as she nipped it—and Orochimaru wouldn't stop assaulting his ear with his tongue, like a prolonged wet willy.

"You guys," he gasped, "you guys."

"What?" they both sounded exasperated.

"You have so much to learn," he said, and made the seals for a clone, "and so little time."

They each whimpered as Jiraiya hauled them both over his shoulders. The clone was busy undressing.

"I told you, Formation _C_," Orochimaru hissed.

"Shut up," Tsunade said.

"I suggest you both shut up if you know what's good for you," Jiraiya teased as he dumped them on the ground.

They shared a look.


	22. Glaze

Notes: SasuSaku, Sharingan in bed. Dubcon, for sure.

* * *

The first time Sasuke and Sakura made love, it wasn't her idea.

Sasuke told her, in no uncertain terms, that she was to remove her top, and to come sit on his lap. The tips of her breasts were stiff, and she shivered in the slight chill. Gooseflesh rose when he took a nipple in his mouth, and afterwards blew on it. Her fingers clenched in the fabric of his shirt.

He told her to get betweens his legs and suck him off. She did so without hesitation.

They made eye contact as she licked him from base to tip and took the head in her mouth. The tomoe in his Sharingan spun wildly, as she continued, and her eyes didn't lose their glaze.


	23. Under the Desk

Notes: fem!Gaara/fem!Sasuke smut for anon.

* * *

Sasuke fit decently in the little space under the Kazekage's desk. She bunched up Gaara's robes and kissed her way the center, where she parted Gaara's swollen lips and worked her way from the bottom to the top several times.

"Hnnggh," Gaara said unintelligibly from above.

Sasuke nipped Gaara's bud lightly, and then applied some pressure with her tongue. This resulted in an even less coherent response, and a surge of panic when someone entered the Kazekage's office. Gaara tried in vain to push Sasuke's head down, and demobilize her with a knee to the face... but Sasuke was too strong.

It was with white-knuckled hands that Gaara gripped Sasuke's head and let her eyes roll back in her head.

"Gaara – are you all right?" said Kankurou in astonishment. Where the fuck did that come from.

"I... I was holding back a sneeze," Gaara said breathily, righting herself and forcing Sasuke's insistent head back with a foot. "Just... a sneeze."

Kankurou stared.


	24. Morning After

Notes: Sakura/Minato/Kushina for Cookie Monster. A continuation of ch. 18.

* * *

Naruto's parents _were _really nice people, just unconventionally so.

Like in the morning when Sakura woke up naked save for a sheet in their bedroom, they weren't in any hurry to get rid of her. Rather, Minato was insistent with a hand around her waist and a few fingers wriggling inside of her, and Kushina took to giving her a warm, wet wake-up kiss.

Like when they hid her from Naruto stomping down the stairs, likely headed for her place (where she didn't imagine her parents would extend the same courtesies quite like his had for her). And drove her home in the opposite direction that Naruto had gone.

Like as she fumbled for something to say, getting out of their car, and they grinned, "Anytime!" and flew off. She was home five minutes before Naruto got there.

"Hey, Sakura-chan, about last night... I know my family's real weird and shit. I should have warned you," he said, looking absolutely, positively contrite upon arrival.

"Forget about it," she said hastily, pushing the door open. "Want some breakfast?"


End file.
